


Guilt

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Season/Series 02, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-31
Updated: 2007-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:40:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8825152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: A heapin' helpin' of Sam angst. Mild spoilers for "All Hell Breaks Loose (Pt. 1&2). Takes place mid-season three, fictional episode. Wincest if you squint.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Sam curled closer to the wall, his back to the door. The guilt was killing him. He made a mistake... And it almost killed his brother.

 

Dean had laughed it off, saying that Sam just would have put him out of his misery, let him stop waiting for his year to be up...

 

But he saw the fear in Dean's eyes when the thing came at him instead of Sam who was ready for it... 

 

Sam bit his lip and curled closer into him self. He screwed his eyes shut, blocking out his tears and listened to Dean move quietly around the room salting the door and the windows. 

 

Sam closed his eyes, knowing that if he turned and opened them that he would see Dean... See Dean with the deep cut across his cheek, see Dean with the hand in a cast, see Dean walking with a limp because of the ankle that was almost snapped, see Dean with the fear in his eyes that he'd never let show before...

 

A tear slipped down his cheek. He'd finally broken, finally showed Sam that he was human, that he feared things... And now that he'd seen it... God, how he wished he never had.

 

Sam shivered, and heard Dean stop moving for a moment before going back to whatever he was doing.

 

Sam was fine, physically; but mentally...emotionally...he was a train wreck.

 

He was torn. Half of him wanted to lock Dean in the truck and drive to the grand canyon and leave the journal behind, never look back... And half of him wanted to keep hunting with Dean until they couldn't move anymore, keep saving people...

 

And that was when it hit him... It was his fault, it was all his fault.

 

If he hadn't spared Jake, then he wouldn't have died... And Dean wouldn't have made the biggest mistake of his life...

 

Sam felt his shoulders rock silently as he sobbed, the tears he'd been fighting were flowing freely now. He pulled in a deep breath and as he did, he felt the bed dip behind him. His shoulders were shaking as Dean laid a hand on his shoulder.

 

"Come on, Sammy... Talk to me." Sam resisted as long as he could, but everything in him was begging for Dean. So he gave in.

 

He rolled over and the next thing he knew he was wrapped in Dean's arms, nestled against his chest on his lap. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." he just kept repeating it as Dean rocked him gently, chin resting on his head. 

 

"I never meant to hurt you, Dean. You're all I have, I can't lose you, too. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I ever made you feel like that- Like this. God, Dean... I'm so sorry."

 

"Sam... Sammy, listen to me... It's not... You didn't do anything wrong..."

 

"I'm sorry, Dean... I'm sorry."

 

"Stop it, Sam; you didn't do anything."

 

"I never should have left... I never should have left you..."

 

Dean stopped rocking him, "What?"

 

"I never should have gone to college, I never should have left you..."

 

"Sam, stop it. Going to college was good for you, it gave you a way out-"

 

"And you didn't deserve that?" Sam broke in, "You did more for this family than I ever did, Dean... Why didn't you get that chance... Why wasn't I daddy's little soldier, why was it you and not me? What did you do so wrong? What did I do so right? God, Dean... I'm so sorry..." Sam felt his hands fisting in Dean's shirt, felt his tears soaking it, but he couldn't stop. "He hated me, Dean. He loved me because he had to, but he hated me... He told me not to come back, he told me not to call, he wouldn't give me your number..."

 

"Shh... Sammy, shh..."

 

"I tried Dean, I tried so hard to find you, but every road to you went through him... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let that stop me..."

 

"Sam, I know you did... It's not your fault..."

 

"I finally have my brother back... I can't lose you again, Dean... I can't. I've lost so much... And I know I'm an asshole for sitting here and feeling sorry for myself when you've lost so much more than me... But I can't, Dean... I can't lose you, too... I can't..."

 

"Sammy... Come on, shh..."

 

"I'm sorry, but I can't... I can't, I'm sorry..." Sam just kept repeating the broken phases over and over again.

 

"You won't," Dean said, and for a moment, just a moment... Sam believed him.


End file.
